


Sometimes

by MeekoMyachi



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Fontcest, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, POV Second Person, Self-Hatred, Sibling Incest, Suicidal Ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-20 02:08:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9470666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeekoMyachi/pseuds/MeekoMyachi
Summary: Sometimes, things aren't as great as they seem.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> I love the way that quietwater writes. It's beautiful and so different. So this is a gift, I guess. 
> 
> Really this is just kind of an excuse to vent.

Sometimes, you do your best to not get out of bed in the morning.

 

It's not that you're hoping for a short while of actual sleep since the nightmares have kept you awake for another excruciatingly long night. No, you've learned to function on minimal sleep and no less than two cups of coffee, even though your younger brother always tells you that sleep is important for good health. You always tell him that you'll be just fine, that you actually get more sleep than he thinks that you do. He almost never argues with that, though his expressions and the way he backs out of the conversation always tells you that he's still going to worry. Of course he will. He's the coolest, always looking out for you.

You're disgusting for lying to him, even about something as minuscule as your sleeping habits. 

 

Sometimes, you have a hard time keeping a smile on your face.

 

Your brother catches it, sometimes while the two of you are out and about, sometimes while the two of you are sitting together watching television, but especially when the two of you are sitting together for dinner, across the kitchen table from each other. You'll sing praises about his cooking, no matter how burnt and bitter it can be, and you'll go back for seconds even though you really aren't ever that hungry and you really don't want to eat. He'll ask you how you've been doing, how you're really feeling, and in a moment of surprise, your everlasting grin will falter. You'll stare at him with blank sockets for a split second before you manage to bring things back to business as usual. You'll assure him that you're fine, you've never felt better.

Later, you do your best to ignore him standing in the doorway of your bedroom in the dark, long after you've read him a story and tucked him in for the night. He watches you cry, listens to you quietly berate yourself, but never once comes in to interfere.

He never once comes in to comfort you.

You're disgusting for lying to him about how you're feeling.

 

Sometimes, all you want is affection.

 

Your brother is always willing to provide that for you, given that you've worked up the courage to actually ask him for it. He'll get off of training early, come home and pull you into a tight embrace before collecting blankets and pillows from around the house. The two of you will build a nest on the floor in front of the couch, and he will make hot chocolate for the both of you. You'll curl up against him, you'll let him watch whatever show or movie he wants to because you really don't care, it's just mindless noise, and you're more concerned with how warm he is and how nice it feels when he rubs your shoulders in slow, soothing circles.

What you don't like is when his fingers travel down your arms and very lightly trace over the divots you've chipped into your radius over the past few months and whispers to you that everything will be alright.

You're disgusting for lying to him when he asks you how long it's been since you'd last hurt yourself.

 

Sometimes, you think that you're absolutely disgusting.

 

Your brother will do anything he can to take care of you, whether it be nagging you until you actually shower and eat and go to work or letting himself into your bedroom after you tell him you've had a particularly bad day and you just want to go to bed. You hate being honest with him, and you're disgusting for feeling that way. When he lets himself in, he'll crawl into bed with you and pull you close against him. He'll be too warm, just like he is any time that this happens. He'll offer to make things better for you. Sometimes, you're not sure if you want him to. 

"Sans," he'll whisper. "Let me take care of you. I'll make everything better."

His voice is always laced with what feels like truth, with what feels like a genuine promise.

You'll stay silent. His ungloved hands will wander and stroke at your ribs, first on the outside, then dipping into your rib cage to touch the more sensitive inner parts of them. Your breath will hitch, but you won't tell him no, you won't tell him to stop. He'll move one hand down to tease at your ilium while the first presses harder in its attempt to make patterns on your ribs. He'll ghost over your sacrum and pinch your coccyx, which is almost always enough to get your magic to coalesce between your legs and form something that he can slip his own into. He'll praise you when he does, tell you that you're so good and so perfect and that he'll always love you as long as you never leave him.

You're disgusting for letting your brother do this, for letting him fuck you.

You're more disgusting for enjoying it.

 

Sometimes, you wonder how your brother would get along without you.

 

It would certainly be much easier on him if he didn't have to constantly nag you to do the minimum amount required to keep yourself alive and fairly healthy. It would be easier on him if he didn't have to constantly worry about what you were doing, if you were actually working, if you were sleeping at your station instead of watching for humans or selling hot dogs or whatever it is that you actually do. He would be so much better off without you, wouldn't he? Sometimes you think about that while you're alone in your room, before he comes to either stand silently in the doorway and observe your breakdown or to distract you with sex. You appreciate his efforts - you couldn't ask for a cooler brother, you really don't deserve him - but you're not sure that it's healthy for him to keep taking care of you like this. You're the older brother, dammit, it should be the other way around.

Though you would never wish what you feel upon him. You would never wish that upon anyone.

You're disgusting for not being a better older brother.

 

Sometimes, you think of ways to get out of this.

 

It could be so easy - with one HP, one hit with the intent to kill would be more than enough. You just need to work up the courage. There's so many ways that you could do this, that you could free yourself, free your brother, but you can never bring yourself to do it. 

You tell yourself it's because you love your brother too much and you don't want to leave him.

Really, it's just because you're a disgusting coward.


End file.
